Happy 7th Birthday in Heaven!

Every year when I turn my calendar to October, I dread the emotions and feelings that come over me throughout the month. October is a hard month for me and I think it always will be. On October 1st, I begin to pray God would send me reminders of Rylan. I ask God to reveal himself. My eyes are wide-open and I am searching, and every year God is faithful. This year, God gave me a beautiful song (I call it the "Amen song), but it is "Because He Lives" by Matt Maher. It is a wonderful reminder of God's sacrifice and I can face tomorrow because Jesus lives. Praise God for hope and strength each day. Also, there is a video of girls singing "Amazing Grace." It is angelic and heavenly. I love it.

This year, God has used Anna Claire to remind me of Rylan. Anna Claire is very interested in Rylan; she loves to look at pictures and ask questions. Most of the questions she has, I do not have an answer. Last night, Anna Claire wanted to know Rylan's favorite color. I told her I did not know because she was a baby when she died. I suggested maybe Rylan likes pink. Anna Claire quickly responded with "Mom, I know she likes rainbow colors. Rainbow colors are so pretty. We should make rainbow cupcakes this year to remind us of Rylan." I had tears in my eyes and thought about how for the past seven years rainbows have reminded me of Rylan and God's promises. Thank you, Lord, for using Anna Claire.

Rylan,
You are precious, and I thankful you are my daughter. Your life and death have touched the hearts of many. My heart has a compassion and love deeper each day because of you. Happy 7th Birthday in heaven! May the rainbows in heaven be beautiful on your special day!

Love,
Mom

http://fascinately.com/feel-good/2015/10/byu-noteworthy-performs-beautiful-amazing-grace-my-chains-are-gone-cover/

Happy Sixth Birthday in Heaven!

Rylan,
Today, I am remembering all the beautiful things you have taught me over the past six years. Because of you, I truly believe in God's faithfulness in all situations. Because of you, I love and care deeper for our family and friends. And because of you, I know there is a rainbow after the rain. The day you came into this world, my heart was full of joy. The day you left this world, a piece of my heart went too. I miss you everyday . Happy Birthday, Rylan Elizabeth! Until we meet again, Mommy

He is Risen, Indeed!

Easter has always been my favorite Christian holiday and celebration. I love the worship on Easter Sunday, the genuine sacrifice of our God gave to save me, and the eternal perspective the cross gives me. This Easter, I woke up with heaven on my mind. We attend church with our entire family. The first song was one of my favorite hymns, Crown Him with Many Crowns. I loved it. Singing this victorious Hymn bought me back to my childhood and the excitement I use to feel in my heart each Easter. Somehow over the past few year, that excitement has been missing from my heart. The next song was Glorious Day, which is a popular praise and worship song. Each October, I ask God to give me something to remind me of you, and he always brings something. He is faithful. This year, he brought me this amazing song to remind me of you and the beautiful sacrifice God gave by sending his one and only son to die for me that I will have eternal life in heaven. When the song began to play, I thanked God and started crying and thinking of you. I thought of you and the beauty of heaven. I closed my eyes and pictured you singing along, worshipping our Lord. You are beautiful, and you are joyful. Rylan, I am so thankful for Easter and for Jesus.... He gives me an indescrible hope of knowing we will both have heaven forever. He is Risen. he is Risen, Indeed!

Knowing Too Much

Most people would think that as the years pass and time goes by, I would miss you less and slowly forget about you....but I just keep missing you and remembering you! Lately, I have been missing you a lot and wishing you were here. The hole in my heart is getting smaller but it will always be there. The day you died, you took a piece of me with you. I look at pictures of me before October 17th, 2008 and I see a different person. I see a girl who did not know sadness and grief, who was sheltered from darkness, and who was ignorant to heartache. Now, I feel like I know too much by losing you. I know a pain like no other when you bury your child. I know the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed and the desire to shut out the world. I know the difficulty in trying so hard to be strong for my little ones and to put on a happy face. I know the guilt of laughing for the first time after you died. It is the "knowing" that has changed me forever and knowing that keeps me remembering you.

This is a gloomy, sad post, but I miss you!
Wishing I could tuck you in bed tonight,
Mommy

Freedom in Forgiveness

Freedom in Forgiveness

This letter was written to my daughter in heaven, but it was written for all the mommies and daddies who have experienced the death of a child. We all have the guilt, the blame, the bitterness, or the anger of our child's death harboring in our hearts. This is my story and my journey in finding peace and freedom in forgiveness.


Dear Rylan,
Since the day you died, the topic of forgiveness has been on my heart. When your dad and I watched you take your last breath, the bitterness and anger set in immediately as we kissed you good-bye. During the days you were alive, I prayed constantly. I begged and cried out to our God to heal you and let us take you home. However, he had a different plan. My faith was strong but untested. I was 31 years old when my world was turned upside down. I knew in my heart that God had you in His arms and had every minute of your life in His control. But I was broken and lost in my grief. I missed you, and I wanted you back.

For weeks after your death, I lived in shock that you were gone. On October 17, 2008, I went into the hospital to have a baby. On October 20th, I left with empty arms. Darkness filled my life. As I replayed the many doctor appointments, ultrasounds, and events of my labor, I began to put the pieces of the puzzle together. I was on a mission to figure out how and why you died. The more I thought about it, the more upset and angry I became with myself and the doctor. I had many questions, and I started to feel responsible for your death. I needed answers and was not going to settle for silence. Was someone responsible for your death or was this a part of "the plan?" Every day there was a reminder of you: a medical bill, a pretty little dress I could not buy for you, or a comment from a stranger about only having boys. In order to begin grieving and for my heart to heal, I needed answers.

Two months after your death, I picked up 554 pages of your medical records. I spent that entire night reading through every page. Engrossed in every detail, I was trying to put together the events that happened during your four days of life in order to determine why you died. Honestly, these records were something tangible about you; I had little that belonged to you! Although I hated that you died, I loved having this reminder of your life. I found my answer in the last part of the records, your fetal heart rate monitor strips. They recorded your voice and progress during labor. I got online and taught myself how to read a fhm strip. The first part of the strip looked normal. My water broke around noon, and I lost blood. The strip went downhill from there. For 30 pages, which was more than four hours, you were crying out for help and no one listened. During those four hours, you had severe declarations, pseudo signal patterns, and eventually bradycardia. As I read the strips, tears poured down my face. My sweet baby girl cried out, fought for her life in a hospital, and was ignored. I was crushed at the thought of you suffering. I did blame the doctor, but I also blamed myself for not being more proactive and for not knowing what was going on with you during labor. I am sorry, Rylan, for not doing more.

Your daddy and I talked and prayed about our findings. We decided to file a wrongful death suit against the doctor in order to hold her accountable. We also wanted to ensure that other families would be given proper medical care and attention in the future. No one should suffer the loss of a baby due to the negligence and arrogance of a doctor. We began this journey of seeking justice for you, Rylan Elizabeth, at the beginning of 2009. After losing you, I kept a journal with a letter to you. The beginning of the journal was filled with sadness, weeping, and anger. In the spring of 2009, my heart was convicted to FORGIVE. Even though it was satisfying to blame someone for your death, I knew that God was calling me to obey and forgive the doctor. I struggled for weeks and justified my anger and hatred towards the doctor due to your death, my one and only daughter. I came to the realization that you were not coming back, regardless of what I did, said, or felt. For the first time in my life, I was not in control and hated it. With a heavy heart, I finally decided to give everything over to God and forgive the doctor. I cannot describe the peace that I experienced; a huge burden had been lifted that day. This was part of the grieving process for me, and I needed to forgive to move forward. I forgave the doctor that was responsible for your death, and I forgave myself for your death. I will never forget you. However, as time passes, the memories of those ten months of pregnancy and four days with you on earth are fading. There are days when I think only about you and what it would be like to have you in our family. On those days, I close my eyes and do not have anger or bitterness harboring in my heart and mind. Instead, I have peace as I try to remember you...your smell, your breathing, your chubby cheeks, and your beautiful lips.

After countless hours of depositions and meetings, your wrongful death lawsuit was settled on February 2, 2012. I have closure and my heart is healing. There was justice and accountability for your death, but there is still no "you." After the mediation was over, your dad and I went to the cemetery. I looked at your headstone and thanked our God for you. I cried tears of joy for our victory. I could finally say "Rest In Peace, My Baby Girl!"

The past four years were a test of endurance, faith, and hope. God kept me out of the pit of darkness and depression; He brought me to the "light." I found that my faith was my foundation. No matter what trial comes my way, I will not give in or give up. I also learned that perseverance and trust in the Lord will carry me through anything. When I look back and think about you, my sweet Rylan Elizabeth, I think of the many good things that came from your life and are still coming because you are my daughter. Your life was short, but you have made your mark on my heart and the lives of many.

Happy Fourth Birthday, Rylan! May all of your days be filled with joy and the amazing wonders of our God in heaven.

Until we meet again,

Mommy

Welcome to Holland: When Life Does Not Go As Planned

A friend of mine shared this poem at MOPS this week, and it really spoke to my heart. So many times we think we have our lives all planned out, and most of the time God has something different in-store for us. Am I willing to accept His plan instead of mine? Am I willing to give up the control over the big and little things in this life? Through life's joys and struggles, take the time to ENJOY HOLLAND....it is not what we expected, but it is beautiful. God will reveal Himself and you will start to see the "good" around you and the glory and grace of our Creator. Welcome To Holland I am often asked to describe the experience of raisin a child with disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to imagine how it would feel. It is like this... When you're goin to have a baby, it is like plannin a fabulous vaction trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michaelangelo David. The Gondolas of Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It is all very Excitin. After months of anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bag and off you go. Several hours later the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, 'Welcome to Holland'. 'Holland? ' you say. 'What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! ! ! I am supposed to be in Italy. All my life I have dreamed of goin to Italy! '. But there has been a change in flight plan, they have landed in Holland and there you must stay. The important thing in that they have not taken you to a horrible, disgustin, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It is just a different place. So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met before. It is just a different place. It's a slower paced than Italy. It's less flashy than Italy. But after you have been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills, Holland has tulips and Holland even has Rembrandts. But everyone you know is busy comin and goin from Italy and they are all braggin about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life you will say, 'Yes, that is where i was supposed to go, That's where I had planned'. And the pain of that will never, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very significant loss, but if you spend your life mournin the fact that you didn't go to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland. Poem by Dannielle Williams

Remembing You Today

If you know someone who has lost a child or lost anybody who's important to them, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died, they didn't forget they died. You're not reminding them. What you're reminding them of is that you remember that they lived, and that's a great, great gift.'" Elizabeth Edwards It makes me so happy when someone says your name. As time goes by, I hear your name less and less. Today, I am taking a few minutes to sit quietly and remember you, a precious gift. I still miss you everyday. A few Sundays ago, I was praising our God and thinking about heaven in church. While singing, God gave me a sweet image of you that I will always treasure in my heart. Jesus was in a white robe with all His amazing glory, the angels were singing too, and there you were holding on to Jesus' leg, smiling, and singing praises to Him. That was the first time, I truly felt a sense of peace and understanding that you were happy in heaven. Thank you, God, for that reminder. Rylan, I love you and remember you always! Love, Mommy

Victory

For three years, we have been her voice for justice. Today, we celebrate victory on Earth for my precious daughter in heaven. We thank God for carrying us through and for His continued faithfulness.


Rest in peace, my sweet Rylan Elizabeth. We love you.
Until we meet again,
Daddy & Mommy

A Day with Her

If I had just one day that God would give me back my Rylan, at any age I chose, I would love for her to be three years old, the season would be fall, and the day would be a Saturday.

The morning would start off by me waking up first. I would run up stairs to find my two precious girls asleep together in a double bed in their pink and green room. They would be snuggled up next to each other with there dollies. Rylan would have her pink blanket and Anna Claire would have her white blanket. I would sit on the end of the bed and watch them breathe. I would stare at Rylan and finally see what my daughter would look like beyond four days old. What color is her hair? Does she have fair skin or olive skin? Who does she look like? I am in awe of her and have longed for this day since I kissed her good-bye on October 20, 2008.

Eventually, the girls would wake up and we would cuddle in bed, give lots of hugs, and eskimo kisses. We would talk about our dreams of sliding down rainbows, eating a huge ice cream sundae, and being a princesses in a beautiful castle. I would tell Rylan "I love her" and "I have missed her everyday for the past three years." After a while, I would carry my girls downstairs and we would meet up with all the boys in Mommy & Daddy's bed. We would tickle each other, have a pillow fight, and laugh together.

Daddy would make us a yummy breakfast with all seven of us around the table. We would pray and thank God for this wonderful, amazing, and special day with Rylan. While eating, Camden and Everett would ask Rylan a million questions about heaven and about her likes and dislikes. Anna Claire would copy everything her big sister was doing, just like she does with her brothers.

The day would be spent playing with each other and loving each other. We would play superheroes, "house", play-doh, dress-up, and legos. We would all walk to the neighborhood park and swing, run, and enjoy the cool, crisp fall weather. Fall is always a reminder of Rylan. We would go down to the lake and watch the ducks and birds. The kids would gather sticks and rocks and throw them in the water. I would sit back and watch all of five of my kids play together for the first time. I would fight back the tears because I did not want this joy and "complete" family to go away.

When we returned from the park, we would set up our camp chairs in a circle in the driveway, eat popsicles, and talk. We might play a game of basketball or baseball with the family.

That evening, we have a "big" party at our house. We invite everyone we know, family, friends, neighbors, etc. We want everyone to get an opportunity to meet our girl, Rylan. We talk about her to others but so many never met her. Rylan is excited about the party. Rylan is not shy; she hugs everyone she meets. She does not understand why some visitors are crying when they meet her, but her sweet heart is filled with joy. The people who attend now finally understand why we are still sad and why we still grieve for our daughter. Before, they met her that night, she did not seem "real" to them. After a fun evening, friends say their good-byes, but the family does not want to leave because they all know Rylan will not be at the next family gathering. We want to hug and kiss her so we can have something to hold on to until we meet again in heaven.

It is getting late, Rylan comes to me with her pink blanket and cuddles up on my lap. I look her in her big brown eyes and tell her "I love you, and I will see her soon." She falls fast asleep in my arms, then I am reminded of the night she left this world. It was so similar. She was in my arms with her pink blanket when she took her last breath.

I cried, held her tight, and fell asleep. I woke up that morning with empty arms. I was left with a pink blanket and a few memories of my girl. I can't wait to see her again.

Thanksgiving 2011

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thankful for Camden who is an awesome big brother and leader for all the other kids in the family,

for Everett who is sweet as can be and is so creative,

for Rylan who is a constant reminder of how blessed we are and what in life is really important,

for Anna Claire, who taught us the sun would shine again and gave us a new hope and a new joy,

for Owen, who reminds us God's plan may be different than ours but by far better,

and for Dan through all the joys and sorrows of this life, he's always there! We are on this journey together and he is my best friend! ♥

Finally, I am thankful for my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, who saved me, who gave me heaven as my hope, and who is always faithful and keeps His promises.

The Broken Chain

The Broken Chain

Author: Ron Tranmer
We little knew that day,
God was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
In death, we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone.
For part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.

You left us beautiful memories,
Your love is still our guide.
And although we cannot see you,
You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same,
But as God calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

Your family misses you, Rylan!

Remembering Her

This is the month, the month of October. I dread it yet embrace it. It is the month I do not want to relive yet want so bad to remember every detail. This is the month my daughter, Rylan Elizabeth, entered the world. My heart and world changed forever.

In this post, I will write what I remember since time is fading the memories which once were so vivid and real. The memories are few, but I hold on to them so tightly because they are all I have left to remember my girl. I will share a few details with you about the days I had with my daughter.

Life was happy. Life was easy and simple. Dan and I were blessed with two adorable little boys, Camden and Everett. On February 16, 2008, I found out I was pregnant with baby #3. Camden was two years old and Everett was only eleven months old. I was not sure how we were going to do it with three kids under the age of three years old, but I was ready for the challenge.

In May 2008, we went for a 20 week ultrasound. The baby looked wonderful, but we found out I had a marginal placenta previa with this pregnancy. Dan was determined to find out the gender at this appointment, and I wanted a surprise. We agree Dan would find out, but he would not tell me. So much for "the plan," the ultrasound technican slipped and at the end of the ultrasound said " She sure does have a lot of hair!" We found out we were having a baby girl! We were so excited to add a little girl to our family! Looking back, I am so happy I knew she was a girl for the remainder of the pregnancy. We decorated her nursery, had a "girly" baby shower, and came up with a list of girl names.

Throughout the pregnancy, I went for regular doctor visits and to a specialist regarding the placenta previa. In the meantime, I was busy chasing after my two little boys and enjoying being a mom and wife. I have thought about a few special memories during my pregnancy that I hold dear to my heart.

The first memory is from August 2008. Dan and I celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary with a night out. We went to eat at Irma's downtown, the Kenny Chesney/Keith Urban concert, and spent the night at The Hilton Americas Hotel. It was so much fun! I vividly remember the concert and the loud music. When the Keith Urban song "Days Go By" came on, the baby kicked and moved like crazy! I think she really liked that song. To this day, anytime that songs comes on, I cry and think of my baby girl. She was a live, healthy, and safe in me.

Another memory I have with my sweet girl was in September 2008. It was Hurricane Ike. We were without power for nine days. Yes, nine months pregnant and no air conditioning in September. We stayed at my parents' house since they had a generator, and we all slept in one room with a a/c window unit running at night. It was inconvenient without power, but it was a true bonding experience for the family....no tv, no lights, no internet! I remember praying I did not go into labor during the storm, and God answered that prayer. On day nine, I remember Camden running around and doing a happy dance, saying "we got the power!"

A fun memory I have was when my sister and dear friend gave me a "girly" baby shower. Family and friends came and bought adorable pink and purple outfits, accessories, and blankets for our new little girl. My mom had been buying cute girl clothes for months and bought three large bags to the shower! I could not wait to dress her up!!!! Meme was determined to make this little girl a fashionista!!!

The final memory, I would like to share is the memory of my brother-in-law and sister-in-law coming into town October 14, 2008. They came down a few days early to visit and stayed to help out with the boys while I was in the hospital having the baby. My sister-in-law was about six months pregnant with her first baby, so we talked about babies and took a few pictures side-by-side with our baby bumps. I was looking forward to our two little ones playing at future family gathering and having a cousin the same age.

The morning of October 17, 2008 was filled with excitement. After seven hours of labor, my baby's heart rate dropped into the 50s, and I was thrown on a stretcher and given an emergency c-section. As I lay in the operating room with terrified tears in my eyes and no husband by my side, her entrance was silent and the room was filled with fear and darkness. My heart sank.

On October 18th, 2008, I met my daughter for the first time. She was in the NICU with many tubes and machines. When I took her tiny hand in mine, I remember crying and praying. She opened her eyes and stared at me. Her eyes said "Help me, Mommy." I tried so hard to brave and strong for her. At that moment, I knew I was going to fight for my girl and hold on to hope. I told her everything was going to be okay, and she was going to get better so she could come home and meet her big brothers. I sang her a few songs and talked to her about our family. In my heart, I truly believed she would be okay and God would answer my prayer by healing her little body.

Over the next few days, I cried out to God constantly....begging Him to heal her and asking him for answers about her health and direction in the decisions we faced. I remember the nights in the hospital feeling sick to my stomach and wishing I would wake up from this terrible dream. I kept thinking this could not be happening. We were not prepared for anything but to bring home a healthy baby girl.

On October 19, 2008, we finally decided on a name for our daughter, Rylan Elizabeth Slate. Dan chose Rylan because he really liked the nickname "Riley." I chose Elizabeth for two reasons. One: the meaning of Elizabeth is "God is my vow." I needed to believe that and cling to that. God is faithful, and He always keeps His promises. Two: for namesake, my dearest friend's name is Elizabeth. She is a godly woman and faithful, forever friend.

On October 20, 2008, our baby was baptized and dedicated to our Lord that morning with a pastor, my parents, and Dan's mom present. After four days of many questions and every few answers, we made the decision to remove life support and release Rylan from the pain and suffering she was enduring. We chose to let our precious baby go into the arms of Jesus. This was the hardest and most selfless decision I have ever made in my life. It was so hard to think about giving God back the gift that He had given us for 10 months of pregnancy and four days on earth. I was not ready to say "good-bye" for I had just said "hello." More than anything, I wanted my girl here and with me. I wanted to see her smile, put bows in her hair, have tea parties with her and play dress up, go with her to buy her prom and wedding dress, and see her become a woman of faith and purpose. God had a different plan for her. We had to accept it and embrace it even though it hurt and broke our hearts.

The life support was removed at 5 p.m. She was free from the tubes and machines. We could finally see her precious and beautiful face. The family came to meet her and hold her. We kissed her and sang to her. She died in our arms and left this earth at 9:30 p.m. I gave her a bath after she died, and then we left her... alone. It was cold and dark. I cannot express the feeling of seeing my child die, but I think a small part of me died that day.

We came home to a dark, quiet house with empty arms. I quickly went upstairs a picked up Everett (19 months old) out of his crib and hugged him so tight. I held him and thanked God for him. Then, I went to Camden's room and sat on his bed and cried. I kissed his head and prayed for God to help me through this and keep me in the "light." At that point, I knew I need to be a mom to my boys but I was hurting and grieving for Rylan.

Over the next few days, I planned my daughter's funeral. She was gone, but I want to make her short life special. I picked out a casket and an outfit for her, chose songs to be played at her service and met with the funeral home. I made a slideshow of photos to be displayed at both events. So many of our family and friends never met our daughter. I was so proud of her and wanted everyone that came to see her sweet face. The state of shock and God carried me through and helped me go through the motions of the visitation and the funeral. I remember arriving at the funeral home and entering the first room and seeing the tiny white casket. I could not go see her. I wanted to remember Rylan alive not dead in a casket. I never looked in. I just could not do it. I remember the rainy weather for the visitation....symbolizing the many tears that were shed that night from hundreds of dear friends, family, and even Rylan's NICU nurses. I remember sitting on the couch at the funeral home and all my neighborhood friends gathered around me, crying with me and comforting me.

The day of the funeral is was a beautiful fall, crisp day....symbolizing the true beauty and joy my girl is experiencing in heaven. We greeted our guests and cried with them. I was very surprised of the people that came from both near and far. It blessed my heart to see my forever friends by my side during this very difficult time. Throughout the service and that day, I cried many tears but I just kept thinking about Rylan in heaven with a new body and experiencing God's best, and that is what I hold on to everyday. Rylan in heaven is my hope!

Though days, months, and years will pass, I will always remember her. She will live forever in my heart. She is part of me. Unless you have kissed your child good-bye forever you will not understand the reason why I hold on to her and try my best to keep her memory alive.

Happy 3rd Birthday in Heaven, my Rylan! I know your day will be filled with God's best! I love you! Mommy

You Have Given Me Strength

To My Sweet Rylan,
I was thinking about you today, as I passed by the cemetery were you are buried. I was looking back at the last two years and eight months, remembering the many wonderful thing you have taught me.

As I approach the birth of your baby brother, I am trying my best to remain positive and praying for an uneventful birth. Lately, anxiety and fear have been the main emotions I have been experiencing since I am two weeks from my due date. Honestly, I am so scared. I thought about how you've taught me to ENDURE and to have STRENGTH no matter what trials or joys come my way. I am not going to give up, give in, or back down. God has bought me too far to wimp out. With God, I can do this...I can joyfully await your brother's birth, I can be thankful your brothers and sister, I can walk through this life with my best friend, my husband, and I can humbly rely on God for peace and strength to endure. I love you, my girl! Thank you for giving me the strength to look forward and love.

Paralyzed by Fear

Last week, I was truly paralyzed by the fear that I was going to lose another child. Anna Claire ran a high fever (104-106) for five days, and there was no explanation. I spent countless hours holding her listless body and praying God would heal her. Many of the same feelings of helplessness and fear came over me like the four days I held Rylan.

With Rylan, I was hopeful, prayerful, and believed my God would save her and we would experience a miracle and she would be healed. But God had another plan for her.

With Anna Claire, I prayed but I was doubtful and expected the worst. I prepared myself for hospitalization, death, and a funeral. I know that sounds morbid, but I am being honest and real with you. This is part of who I am, I am a mom who has lost a child, and I will always fight this battle. A battle against the paralyzing fear that one of my precious children will go to heaven before I do. I hate it....the fear that is. I know what I am suppose to do...give it to God....give the children to God. As I write this, I realize that after two and a half years, I am still on the journey of grief and my heart is healing.

Even though I have great comfort in knowing Rylan is in heaven, I can't bear the thought of losing another child. I pray God would allow me to keep my children here, love them, hug them, and cherish them all of their days. I pray God would say "yes" to this prayer.

A New Day

A New Day

I long for a new day...
A day that I would wake up and find you back in my arms

I long for a new day...
A day when I would hear your laughter and see your smile

I long for a new day...
A day were the tears and sadness of missing you would disapper

I have a new day...
A day to see God's blessings and beauty

I have a new day...
A day to experience God's faithfulness and peace

I have a new day...
A day to be thankful for your life and all that you taught me

Each day is a gift. Thank you God for this new day!

Happy Second Birthday, Rylan Elizabeth! I love you! You are in my heart forever.
Love,
Mommy

A Cool, Crisp Fall Day!

It has been a rough few days; I feel like I have taken a few steps back in my missing you and my grieving over your death. Today is the second day of cool, crisp fall weather. It is beautiful and sunny outside, and you are constantly coming to my mind. The weather is the same as the day as your funeral and burial. It is like it was yesterday, I can feel the cool breeze and the tears running down my face as prayers are said over your small, white casket and it is slowly lowered in to the ground. I remember all the feelings of despair, helplessness, and denial that we were burying our precious, four day old daughter. In some ways, it still feels surreal. But you were here, in our arms for such a short time. I cherish you, and I am thankful for the small reminders of you that God brings to my mind to help me remember you. Cool, crisp fall days will always remind me of you. I love you, my girl!

Who You'd Be Today

These are the lyrics to a song I heard about six months after you died. Kenny Cheseny has always been one of my favorite artist. At our wedding our first dance was to "Me & You" by KC. Also, when I was nine months pregnant with you, your dad surprised me with concert tickets to KC. I think you really enjoyed the music at the concert; you moved around a lot and kicked! That is a special memory I have with you; I wish we could have shared more memories....and we will SOMEDAY! I we approach your second birthday, I think about you and who you'd be today. I love you, my sweet girl! Mommy

Who You'd Be Today


Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

Chorus:

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your *place*(instead of 'love away')
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Chorus

Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday

By: Kenny Chesney

Why? to What?

A picture when I was seven months pregnant with Rylan.

Ever since the day you were born, I have asked "why?" I have never felt angry at God or mad at Him because we lost you. But everyday, any time I thought of you for the last 20 months, I ask myself and God too, why? Why did you die? Why did our family experience such a loss and such pain? And why couldn't the doctors save you? Why am I still sad and miss you, even after your sister was born?

Over the past few days, I have started asking "what?" instead of "why?" What is the purpose of our loss? What can I do you help comfort others who have experienced the loss of a baby? What is God calling me to do? My focus is changing from my needs, my desires, and my grief....to helping others. My eyes are being opened to the pain, hurt, and suffering that so many families go through after losing a precious child. My heart aches for them and my compassion is sincere. One thing I am sure of is out of pain comes a purpose. I am timid yet excited about the doors may will open as I ask the question "What?" Lord, what can I do to serve you and glorify you here on this earth?

I love you, My Rylan!

Our God Reigns

As I reflect on the past year and half, I think about how losing you has made me a stronger person and a better wife and mother. I truly cherish each blessing in my life and am thankful this journey of life.

This year, I had the opportunity to study the book of Revelation in Community Bible Study. The study has given me hope in remembering OUR GOD REIGNS FOREVER AND EVER.

To Rylan:

He Reigns...
He reigns when my heart was filled with so much joy and excitement as I welcomed you, my first daughter, into this world. He reigns when I said goodbye to you and gave you one last kiss. He reigns when my world was so dark that I could not see anything around me. He reigns when I prayed each morning to keep me in the "light." He reigns when I begged Him for strength to make it through the day. He reigns when my heart aches because you are gone from this earth. He reigns when tears suddenly come from something reminds me of you. He reigns when I began to see His glory and purpose in my pain and suffering. He reigns when I think of heaven and the amazing gift of eternity you are experiencing. He reigns when I am reminded of His faithfulness. He reigns when I praise Him for you and your life. He is my God, and He forever reigns.

Thank You, My Angel!

It has been awhile....I still miss you every day and wish you were here with us. Yesterday, I went to your grave to spend some time with you, my Girl. I sat there for a few minutes at a loss for words and with dry eyes. The weather was sunny and cool...beautiful! I sat there silent and still. I started thinking about the positives that have come from having you, 17 months ago. God has taught me so much. He has given me a new perspective on life and a new appreciation for everything. The words that kept coming to my mind during my visit were..."Be Thankful." I am thankful for you, Rylan. I cannot imagine my life without you and the gift that you were to us. Even though you were only with us four days, you have touched so many lives and taught many people to love more. I will treasure the gifts that I have in my life right now and focus on those blessings. I praise God for my amazing husband, my four kids, my family and friends, jobs, health, etc.

That night, I took your brothers and sister and held them tight, kissed them, and thanked my God for them. There are so precious and dear. Thank you, my Girl, for teaching be to be thankful.

Love,
Mommy