Videos of Rylan


Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Paralyzed by Fear

Last week, I was truly paralyzed by the fear that I was going to lose another child. Anna Claire ran a high fever (104-106) for five days, and there was no explanation. I spent countless hours holding her listless body and praying God would heal her. Many of the same feelings of helplessness and fear came over me like the four days I held Rylan.

With Rylan, I was hopeful, prayerful, and believed my God would save her and we would experience a miracle and she would be healed. But God had another plan for her.

With Anna Claire, I prayed but I was doubtful and expected the worst. I prepared myself for hospitalization, death, and a funeral. I know that sounds morbid, but I am being honest and real with you. This is part of who I am, I am a mom who has lost a child, and I will always fight this battle. A battle against the paralyzing fear that one of my precious children will go to heaven before I do. I hate it....the fear that is. I know what I am suppose to do...give it to God....give the children to God. As I write this, I realize that after two and a half years, I am still on the journey of grief and my heart is healing.

Even though I have great comfort in knowing Rylan is in heaven, I can't bear the thought of losing another child. I pray God would allow me to keep my children here, love them, hug them, and cherish them all of their days. I pray God would say "yes" to this prayer.


About Me

We love deeper and cherish each day given to us because of our trials and joys in this journey of life.