Knowing Too Much

Most people would think that as the years pass and time goes by, I would miss you less and slowly forget about you....but I just keep missing you and remembering you! Lately, I have been missing you a lot and wishing you were here. The hole in my heart is getting smaller but it will always be there. The day you died, you took a piece of me with you. I look at pictures of me before October 17th, 2008 and I see a different person. I see a girl who did not know sadness and grief, who was sheltered from darkness, and who was ignorant to heartache. Now, I feel like I know too much by losing you. I know a pain like no other when you bury your child. I know the feeling of not wanting to get out of bed and the desire to shut out the world. I know the difficulty in trying so hard to be strong for my little ones and to put on a happy face. I know the guilt of laughing for the first time after you died. It is the "knowing" that has changed me forever and knowing that keeps me remembering you.

This is a gloomy, sad post, but I miss you!
Wishing I could tuck you in bed tonight,
Mommy