Our Rylan Tree: Celebrate Life

Happy 10 Months Old, Sweet Girl!

A month after Rylan's death, I decided to go and visit her graveside and buy some pink flowers. That day, when I was in Kroger, trying to pick out flowers for her, the reality of her death and the that fact these flowers were all I could never buy her hit me like a tons of bricks. It totally sucked; it was an "ambush moment." I could not buy her a cute pair of girly shoes, a bow, or even diapers. I could buy her flowers that were quite symbolic of her life...alive and beautiful for a short time, but a few days later, dead.

Needless to say, I cannot bring myself to buy flowers for her again. So Dan and I decide to plant a tree instead, something our family could enjoy, something that would grow over time, and something that we could see on a daily basis that has "life" not death. This tree is our "Rylan" tree. It was planted in front of our house this spring in memory of Rylan.

Heaven is Our Hope

This is a picture that Camden, Rylan's three year old brother, made in his class at church Spring 2009. I'll treasure this picture forever. It is such a wonderful, yet simple reminder of how beautiful heaven must be. When Camden handed me his paper, he said " Mom, isn't this pretty? Do you like it? Today, we learned about heaven and my baby sister is there with Jesus and she is so happy." Big tears filled my eyes. Camden reminded me of the joy and hope I have that Rylan is in heaven, safe in the arms of Jesus. This picture is hanging up in my closet. I look at it each morning. I remember my baby girl and remember the sacrifice Christ made so we can experience eternity in heaven.

My Girl, For His Glory

I really struggled with this month's post. It seems like I have run out of words to express my loss of Rylan. I wish there was something else I could say or do to bring her back, ease the pain, or calm my heart. In the grieving process, I have learned that sometimes it is okay and beneficial just to be still and listen to God. There are many days in the past nine months where I wanted to pray but felt at a loss for words and simply prayed "Thine Will Be Done" and "Use Rylan's Life and Death for Your Glory and Your Purpose. Amen."

I still greatly miss my daughter, but I am making it, pulling through, and staying in the "LIGHT" because of God's grace and faithfulness.

Here are a few passages from one of my favorite books, Holding on to Hope, by Nancy Guthrie.

For what purpose? For what purpose did my four day old daughter die? For what purpose is my college friend, age 32, battling cancer? For what purpose is a friend's three year old spending his days going through chemo instead of having the opportunity to run and play like a regular little boy?

To display the glory of God is the answer. How do you display the glory of God? You reflect his character. Instead of demanding an answer, you decide to trust him, recognizing that your circumstances provide an unparalleled opportunity to glorify God just by your trust in his unseen purpose.

Trusting God when the miracle does not come, when the urgent prayer gets no answer, when there is only darkness--this is the kind of faith God values perhaps most of all. This is the kind of faith that can be developed and displayed only in the mist of difficult circumstances. This is the kind of faith that cannot be shaken because it is the result of having been shaken.

That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever! So we don't look at troubles we can see right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Psalm 23

Psalm 23

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, [a]
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD
forever.

Sometimes & Forever

So distance
So blurry

Sometimes it is like you were never here

So vivid
So real

Sometimes it is like I am still holding you

The emotions
The sorrow
And the pain

Sometimes it is like I cannot bear to move forward without you

The joy
The mercy
And the love

Forever I know you are save in His arms
Forever I have hope
Forever I will rejoice in His plan

Love, Mommy

Six Months Today, We Miss You!

Rylan's Words

Do not stand by my grave and weep
As I am not there,
I am up in Heaven looking down
On all of you in such despair.

I have no problems
and I have no pain,
I have eternal happiness
that one day you will gain.

I see the lovely flowers
and wreaths that family do bring,
And how I wish I could tell you
How this makes my heart sing.

MY home in Heaven is
a wonderful place,
Everyone here has such a peaceful
look on their face.

My home is with Jesus
I sit at his feet,
And listens to stories
I beg him to repeat.

We play angel games
and sing angel songs,
Sometimes Jesus plays too
And always sings along.

My prayer for you is that
you let the sorrow fade away,
And know that you will be
With me someday.

The day will come when
you will understand,
Why I am so happy
being with Jesus in his "Land.


Written by MeMa Benton
March 27, 2009

The Dress

The Dress

So empty, it hangs there
The dress that she will never wear

So adorable, dressed by angels
So joyful, wrapped in love
So free, embraced by God
So hopeful, taken up above

So empty, it hangs there
The dress that she will never wear

I miss you, Baby Girl!
Love, Mommy