You Have Given Me Strength

To My Sweet Rylan,
I was thinking about you today, as I passed by the cemetery were you are buried. I was looking back at the last two years and eight months, remembering the many wonderful thing you have taught me.

As I approach the birth of your baby brother, I am trying my best to remain positive and praying for an uneventful birth. Lately, anxiety and fear have been the main emotions I have been experiencing since I am two weeks from my due date. Honestly, I am so scared. I thought about how you've taught me to ENDURE and to have STRENGTH no matter what trials or joys come my way. I am not going to give up, give in, or back down. God has bought me too far to wimp out. With God, I can do this...I can joyfully await your brother's birth, I can be thankful your brothers and sister, I can walk through this life with my best friend, my husband, and I can humbly rely on God for peace and strength to endure. I love you, my girl! Thank you for giving me the strength to look forward and love.

Paralyzed by Fear

Last week, I was truly paralyzed by the fear that I was going to lose another child. Anna Claire ran a high fever (104-106) for five days, and there was no explanation. I spent countless hours holding her listless body and praying God would heal her. Many of the same feelings of helplessness and fear came over me like the four days I held Rylan.

With Rylan, I was hopeful, prayerful, and believed my God would save her and we would experience a miracle and she would be healed. But God had another plan for her.

With Anna Claire, I prayed but I was doubtful and expected the worst. I prepared myself for hospitalization, death, and a funeral. I know that sounds morbid, but I am being honest and real with you. This is part of who I am, I am a mom who has lost a child, and I will always fight this battle. A battle against the paralyzing fear that one of my precious children will go to heaven before I do. I hate it....the fear that is. I know what I am suppose to do...give it to God....give the children to God. As I write this, I realize that after two and a half years, I am still on the journey of grief and my heart is healing.

Even though I have great comfort in knowing Rylan is in heaven, I can't bear the thought of losing another child. I pray God would allow me to keep my children here, love them, hug them, and cherish them all of their days. I pray God would say "yes" to this prayer.

A New Day

A New Day

I long for a new day...
A day that I would wake up and find you back in my arms

I long for a new day...
A day when I would hear your laughter and see your smile

I long for a new day...
A day were the tears and sadness of missing you would disapper

I have a new day...
A day to see God's blessings and beauty

I have a new day...
A day to experience God's faithfulness and peace

I have a new day...
A day to be thankful for your life and all that you taught me

Each day is a gift. Thank you God for this new day!

Happy Second Birthday, Rylan Elizabeth! I love you! You are in my heart forever.
Love,
Mommy

A Cool, Crisp Fall Day!

It has been a rough few days; I feel like I have taken a few steps back in my missing you and my grieving over your death. Today is the second day of cool, crisp fall weather. It is beautiful and sunny outside, and you are constantly coming to my mind. The weather is the same as the day as your funeral and burial. It is like it was yesterday, I can feel the cool breeze and the tears running down my face as prayers are said over your small, white casket and it is slowly lowered in to the ground. I remember all the feelings of despair, helplessness, and denial that we were burying our precious, four day old daughter. In some ways, it still feels surreal. But you were here, in our arms for such a short time. I cherish you, and I am thankful for the small reminders of you that God brings to my mind to help me remember you. Cool, crisp fall days will always remind me of you. I love you, my girl!

Who You'd Be Today

These are the lyrics to a song I heard about six months after you died. Kenny Cheseny has always been one of my favorite artist. At our wedding our first dance was to "Me & You" by KC. Also, when I was nine months pregnant with you, your dad surprised me with concert tickets to KC. I think you really enjoyed the music at the concert; you moved around a lot and kicked! That is a special memory I have with you; I wish we could have shared more memories....and we will SOMEDAY! I we approach your second birthday, I think about you and who you'd be today. I love you, my sweet girl! Mommy

Who You'd Be Today


Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear you laughing in the rain
Still can't believe you're gone

Chorus:

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your *place*(instead of 'love away')
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

Chorus

Today, Today, Today
Today, Today, Today

Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know I'll see you again someday

Someday, Someday

By: Kenny Chesney

Why? to What?

A picture when I was seven months pregnant with Rylan.

Ever since the day you were born, I have asked "why?" I have never felt angry at God or mad at Him because we lost you. But everyday, any time I thought of you for the last 20 months, I ask myself and God too, why? Why did you die? Why did our family experience such a loss and such pain? And why couldn't the doctors save you? Why am I still sad and miss you, even after your sister was born?

Over the past few days, I have started asking "what?" instead of "why?" What is the purpose of our loss? What can I do you help comfort others who have experienced the loss of a baby? What is God calling me to do? My focus is changing from my needs, my desires, and my grief....to helping others. My eyes are being opened to the pain, hurt, and suffering that so many families go through after losing a precious child. My heart aches for them and my compassion is sincere. One thing I am sure of is out of pain comes a purpose. I am timid yet excited about the doors may will open as I ask the question "What?" Lord, what can I do to serve you and glorify you here on this earth?

I love you, My Rylan!

Our God Reigns

As I reflect on the past year and half, I think about how losing you has made me a stronger person and a better wife and mother. I truly cherish each blessing in my life and am thankful this journey of life.

This year, I had the opportunity to study the book of Revelation in Community Bible Study. The study has given me hope in remembering OUR GOD REIGNS FOREVER AND EVER.

To Rylan:

He Reigns...
He reigns when my heart was filled with so much joy and excitement as I welcomed you, my first daughter, into this world. He reigns when I said goodbye to you and gave you one last kiss. He reigns when my world was so dark that I could not see anything around me. He reigns when I prayed each morning to keep me in the "light." He reigns when I begged Him for strength to make it through the day. He reigns when my heart aches because you are gone from this earth. He reigns when tears suddenly come from something reminds me of you. He reigns when I began to see His glory and purpose in my pain and suffering. He reigns when I think of heaven and the amazing gift of eternity you are experiencing. He reigns when I am reminded of His faithfulness. He reigns when I praise Him for you and your life. He is my God, and He forever reigns.